The Conversation is the Relationship


‘How did we get here’?

Have you found yourself asking this question, amid stony silence or a screaming match or resigned defeat with someone you know well, with someone you care about? I have. And by the time I am asking myself that question, it seems like the proverbial horse has bolted.

Susan Scott in her book Fierce Conversations (2002) explains

“... our work, our relationships, and in fact, our very lives succeed or fail gradually, then suddenly, one conversation at a time.

But, she says

The conversation is the relationship. If the conversation stops, all of the possibilities for the relationship become smaller and all of the possibilities for the individuals in the relationship become smaller, until one day we overhear ourselves in mid-sentence, making ourselves smaller in every encounter, behaving as if we were just space around our shoes, engaged in yet another three-minute conversation so empty of meaning it crackles.

And how do we change such situations and have meaningful conversations and fulfilling relationships? In this book, she explores how we can have Fierce Conversations, where

we come out from behind ourselves into the conversation and make it real.

In my doctoral research, I call this ‘conscious vulnerability‘ … but more about that later in another post.


She shares 7 principles in having meaningful conversations

  1. Master the courage to interrogate reality
  2. Come out from behind yourself into the conversations and make it real
  3. Be here, be prepared to be nowhere else
  4. Tackle your toughest challenge today
  5. Obey your instincts
  6. Take responsibility for your emotional wake
  7. Let silence do the heavy lifting

I hope you will pick up this book and have some fierce conversations with a loved one, or a colleague so you can have productive and fulfilling relationships.

Wishing you real conversations dear friends,





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