The backstory of the other
In a recent group coaching session, participants wrote a letter to themselves in the voice of someone they had a difficult relationship with. In the letter ‘they’ answered, explained reasons for ‘their’ decisions, actions, behaviours. The other person shared their expectations, assumptions, dreams with the participant. It was the backstory of the other.
Often in our interactions we perceive the other person through our lenses, based on our expectations, experiences and assumptions, our backstory. This is a natural human response. And if we have any difficulty or lack of trust with the other person, we might feel threatened, put our guard up, and narrow our focus—through our default survival lenses—to keep ourselves safe from attack. But this doesn’t allow us to see the whole picture. We might miss vital clues about the environment and the other person. We might misinterpret the underlying reason for someone speaking abruptly, and classify that abruptness as rudeness, and take it as an insult. We might then respond with aggression to show our power, or swing the other way into acquiescence.
The reflections of the participants after writing the letter were varied. Some found it hard to get into the shoes of the other and realised that they were attached to their perspective. Some felt it keenly, which created some empathy and space for them to think about different ways of approaching the other person. There was no right or wrong answer to the ‘imaginary letter’. Nor is the content of what the other explains and shares real or accurate. But all of it is data. It expands our awareness of the other, and shows us our own beliefs and assumptions.
This kind of activity is a way to slow down and think about a relationship that needs tending in the longer term. It could be also a way to reflect and prepare for an upcoming engagement with someone you have trouble communicating with, connecting with and understanding. But what about the times when you walk into a conversation expecting it to go one way, and it doesn’t?
At the negotiating table
Spoiler alert for those who watch ‘The Diplomat’ on Netflix. In one of the episodes, one of the characters, Hal Wyler, the US Vice President, exposes a tightly held secret, seemingly to show power, to the British PM, Trowbridge, as a response to Trowbridge’s seemingly rude, abrupt behaviour at the negotiating table. Only after the bombshell is dropped do they learn that the PM was under immense pressure, just having heard that his Foreign Secretary died in a helicopter crash, on a mission he initiated. It was too late. The secret was out and relationships were blown up.
I wondered, what could Hal, or his wife, Kate Wyler, who is there as the US Ambassador, have done differently? Maybe slow down, take a deep breath, even share that they notice the PM looks perturbed.
I have never been, and probably never will be, at a negotiating table with a PM of a country. But I have been, and we all have been, at different kinds of negotiating tables. Maybe it is with a colleague who you think is taking credit for your work, or your neighbour who continues to park the car obstructing your driveway. One can’t help wondering how we might change these charged situations just by slowing down, becoming aware of ourselves and of the other, and of what might be going on for them.
Speaking from the voice of the other
The practice to slow down, to both turn inwards and outwards, is an invitation to connect deeper. In a recent team coaching forum, the facilitator asked us what it feels like to speak from the voice of the other. Together, we found that it:
- reminds us who we are, and who we can be in the space
- gives us a different perspective, and a wider view of the system
- gets us out of our own heads
- places the other person’s needs and wants on our shoulders, with a sense of pressure and responsibility
- makes us feel less alone, because we are all human
- connects us with what the other person wants, beyond what we think they need or what we need
- opens space for collaboration, mutual respect and co-creation
- deepens our empathy and compassion for the other
Every difficult relationship carries a backstory I have not yet heard. When I am more aware of you, I am also more aware of myself.
This article is the third in my series of reflections on what it means to be self-aware. You can read the other’s here and here.
Image Credit: https://www.pexels.com/photo/brown-papers-on-the-wooden-table-10288914/
